November 26, 2007
~ Randomly...
I like to be right and I like to be in a position of authority.
Right?
Well, not exactly.
I like to be right. Who doesn't? But I don't have to always be right. It's just that I don't or won't say or offer an opinion if I am not more or less convinced that I am right (or at least, making sense). And I don't always get to be 100% right. I don't even want to be 100% right, all the time. It's just that there aren't a lot of people around me who are capable of pointing out that I'm not 100% right. It's not even that difficult. You just have to be more convincing to me than myself, more clear-headed than me, more reasonable than me or be my mother. But that's not possible at all. So, just the earlier 3 then.
I absolutely do not like or desire to be in a position of authority or dominance. I'm too self-indulged to be willing to take on the burden of leading others. I am grateful when I don't have to decide or don't have to be the one in the lead or in the seat of counsel. It's just that most people I hang out with don't score very high on decisiveness. It so happens that I really do not like wasting too much time on trivial considerations like where to go, where to eat and what to do at a possible place. To me, it's more like "Let's just go and see what happens" or "Let's just have crickets for dinner - what's the worst that can happen?" Maybe not crickets. But you get my drift. The point is, once decisions are made, things can run on auto-pilot and that means, I get to stone and self-indulge, again.
That's what I really enjoy doing. It's not that I am calm or composed, patient or steady. I just like to indulge in one thing at a time and preferably, it's something I like doing for myself. I happen to like to world-gaze, aka stone. Then, appear like I'm deep in thought.
So, no. I don't necessarily have to be right all the time and I don't like to be in a position of authority. When needed, I like to make things move along and make other people move along so that I default back to my self-indulgence mood and all my little distractions (that usually don't include other human beings).
xxx
I snapped out of that mode a few times. To give equal, if not more, concern and care to another person. To what they call 'share my world'. Only to find my world being very much devastated because of that moment of folly.
It's absurd to think that one could ever be fully understood and two worlds can come together to be one.
The bitter fruit of that endeavour is a pretty fucked one. So, wouldn't you, too choose to live a half-fucked existence than to invest in reality what is only imaginable?
Maybe not. Then again, who cares what you would choose! Live your life and don't tell me how to live mine.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:15
November 20, 2007
~ Randomly...
I have yet to read a horoscope that says "Life is hard for you, Virgo. The stars are in the right position for you to give it all up and end it tonight. Wait no more."
xxx
Many years ago, someone broke up with me but carried an immense amount of guilt towards me. So much so that he couldn't face me, couldn't keep in touch with me, could only keep rejecting me even when it was clear I didn't care for a relationship with him anymore.
I just kept biting on and didn't let go. Of the friendship I had and wanted to keep with this person. I told him I could let him go as a boyfriend but there was no way I could let him go as a friend. He couldn't ditch me as a friend. Too bad for him.
About a year after we broke up, he finally resurfaced to my horizon.
Now, I still say that he's a crap boyfriend to his current girlfriend. He's an idiot. But that's ok with me 'cos he's also my friend (serves me right for not letting go...). On the other hand, he thinks I'm a pain in the (his) ass. But scolds me everytime I try to be ceremonial with him.
Feel like talking to this idiot tonight... haha...
I'm still glad I did not let him ditch my friendship many years ago.
xxx
Sometimes, I wonder what's the big fucking deal? Let's just say 'sorry' and hang out together again.
Life's too damn short anyway.
Been hearing that many, many times the past week. "Life's too short."
xxx
Suddenly, after dinner tonight, felt very tired. In every sense. Spent.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:21
November 17, 2007
~ Randomly...
Don't know if my immune sys is below its healthy mark. I kept feeling very cold these past few nights. I know the weather has been chilly. But I'm usually one who can tolerate lower temperature and basically, I like cool weather. So, even if the past few nights have been windy, there seemed to be no reason for me to experience goose bumps a few occasions as I laid on my bed, just trying to sleep. Sometimes, even with my blanket pulled up to the chin.
Today, the whole of today, I felt the chill too.
I think I must be breeding one really big flu bug pool within.
xxx
Your dearth of expressions; my dearth of emotions.
Why is there a need to have a wish for anything at all in life? Whoever said wishes, or hope, are necessary in life? Hope is a set-up for disappointment.
For how long could we hope, and be disappointed, before we cease to hope?
xxx
Should I watch another episode of 6ft under or go to sleep now?
I feel like cuddling with you, to sleep.
Hopes are so wasted on you.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:49
Dreams - My other reality
My other reality has a theme this past week. It's "Unwanted".
Had two dreams this week that were about me being unwanted by my sisters, my mother and Kay.
I can't remember much details about the dreams but I do remember how they told me explicitly that they did not want me, did not want me to have anything to do with them anymore. Basically, they just wanted me out of their lives.
Of course I cried in my dreams. How sweet can it be to be unwanted by the people you hold dearest in your heart?
I cried so hard in my dreams that I woke up tearing. And when I felt the little bolster that I hug to sleep, there was a damp spot where my head was resting on.
Emotionally-intense dreams are damn tiring to wake up from. What the?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:42
November 14, 2007
~ Randomly...
For lack of inspiration to blog... (means I probably have not been reflecting hard enough...)
Calling residents of Planet Bitch. We have a connection coming through from China yesterday. My email of expired distress induced counterpart in China to fix up her msn so that she could re-connect with the drudgery of life experienced by members here. An amazing feat, indeed. As counterpart in China had to withdraw from her daily ceremonial acts of vanity and enslavement to (low)waged labour in this laborious attempt to establish reconnection with us.
Kindly confer medal upon Ms Kyn Vain Yip during her next return to this messy pad.
xxx
Today, my sister, Janet is home. She's supposedly working from home. There's this trial program in her company for which a few staff from offices over the world have been selected to participate in. 'Business continuity' she said. Goes like... she received a sms from whoever-is-in-charge yesterday night, informing there has been a terrorist attack and staff are to stay home and work from home today.
My question: If there's really a terrorist attack here in Singapore, would we have the luxury of waking up to have breakfast at 10am, log on to internet, talk to the pet dogs before sitting in front of the laptop to ensure 'business continuity'? Honestly, who cares about business continuity when lives are at stake! Capitalists' denial can be so, so serious.
xxx
What I would do in response to that kind of sms is...
Oh yes! No need to work! Where should I go for lunch? Should I watch a movie? Or finish my dvd series? Wonder if Wenn is free to meet tonight...
Wahaha...!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:49
November 04, 2007
~ Randomly...
In order to make up for a tiring awakening to the morning, I transformed into a couch potato for 4 hours after waking up. Watched HK drama series and then, CSI:Miami on cable. Outside, the weather was fantastic. Breezy and sunny. Perfect for a day out at the beach. But, my butt was stuck on my sofa, eyes stuck on the TV. In my imagination, I went cycling at the beach. Breeze in hair, sand between toes.
I go to a lot of places in my imagination.
Damn shiok.
Sleep. Food. TV. Splendid!
xxx
It's extremely comforting to hear that some of your friends actually worry about you.
Being used to giving off the impression that I don't need to be worried about, it's very comforting to know that some people actually worry about me. Even though it only stops exactly at worrying.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:58
Dreams - My other reality
I dreamt of Desmond, and that we were getting married. He proposed and I agreed. We were at some religious site, I think it was a Taoism temple or something. Then, I saw Jas CL. She was on her way to somewhere. She saw me and somehow, sensed there's a call of happiness. So, she asked if I was getting married and I answered the affirmative. She was really happy for me. She told me she's glad I found someone to share my life with.
We were at a flat. Apparently, our new flat. And we were like a pair of lovebirds on honeymoon again. Everything was really sweet. We were, after all, preparing for our wedding. Until I realised something is wrong. He is not the person I want to marry. I knew that I don't even love him. How can I marry him?
I realised it's a dream. In my dream, I found out I was dreaming. I can't possibly marry him even if it was a very pleasant and contented feeling I had, having found someone to take care of me. It's just an illusionary kind of comfort. So, I decided I had to leave this dream. That's when my dream became an ordeal.
We were getting ready to leave the house to go to his parents' place for dinner. I got him out of the house first. Then, quickly shut the door behind him. And he shouted for me to open up and asked what was wrong with me. I refused to open up. I just wanted to leave this dream scene. I ran into the bedroom and kept telling myself this is a dream and that I had to wake up. I fed my mind with images of me alone, which I knew was the reality. I forced myself to remember that whatever it was about Desmond is over and that I had to get away from this dream.
Someone was outside the bedroom, I could see a shadow from the window. Whoever it was was trying to come into my bedroom from the window. I closed and locked the window immediately. The only thing on my mind was that I had to wake up.
Then, I did. Desmond disappeared and in my dream, I woke up to find myself alone in my room. There was absolute silence, and calm.
Shortly after, I woke up. Damn tired. Wondered if it was the dream or cos I slept late yesterday. Been having rather vivid dreams recently.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:35